The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
