College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
