I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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