Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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