In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
