After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
