Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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