we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
