I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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