I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
