Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
