K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Damn victory sex feels great
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
