He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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