At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
