a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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