took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
