paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
