wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
