Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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