you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
