Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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