I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just had sex on a roof
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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