my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
