how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
