I could make wine with my vomit
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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