He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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