were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
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That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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