Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
