my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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