and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
