I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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