Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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