Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
