i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
