Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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