We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
