Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
