I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He passed out mid-signature
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
