Four minutes until I can fart!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
