i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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