i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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