My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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