Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
