a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
