You're completely useless in the revolution.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
