my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
