dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
