i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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