Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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