I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
