I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
