im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
