I think my fart just growled at me.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
