Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
