If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
