Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
