Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
